Bounce bounce bounce

So here I am busy blogging while I have one leg off the side of my bed, bouncing while breastfeeding my almost 5 month old daughter. Seriously multitasking!

This is her preferred method of going to sleep and I am happy to do it if it means she will fall asleep easier. I have so much work to do which cannot be done from my phone. So baby falling asleep faster means I can get to other things quicker. The house is a wreck as well. Thank goodness our domestic cleaner is coming tomorrow. Being a mom to two daughters is proving to be a full time job that only ends when I am in bed. Even then I sleep for only a few hours before the next feed. I am not complaining at all, I love all of this and am so grateful to be at home. Just pisses me off that some people say to Moms, "Oh, so you just stay at home all day?"

No, I dont just stay at home all day.. I look after a baby, I look after a 4 year old, I help run my husband's business and I clean the house and cook. Okay, some would say my cooking skills are not the greatest but I still cook.

Okay baby is asleep now, best I get back to it all. So much to do. So little time.

Busy Little Bee

Oh wow, where do I begin. Its been so long since I have blogged.

I had my Baby!! A beautiful little princess called Haven Lily Roberts. She was born 49cm and weighing 3,6 kgs. She is just too gorgeous for words. She is now 4 months old. The time has gone by so fast.

We are at the stage right now where she wants lots of cuddles and attention (as any baby would), so work and household things have to take a back seat. I am trying real hard to get everything done in a day but time slips by so quickly that by the end of the day I feel like I have not managed much.

But truthfully I have, I have accomplished a lot. I have shared the day with my children, My eldest comes home from school in the afternoon and then I am very busy with them. I love it, I really love being a mother. I am already thinking of when I would like to have the next baby, to my Husband's horror (haha)!

I feel like I missed out so much with my first child. When she was barely 3 months old, she started creche full day. I had to go back to work to make ends meet. My husband and I worked all day and were lucky to spend a couple of hours with our child. We cherished the weekends but you feel so guilty that someone else is essentially raising your child.

I am so grateful this time around that I am able to be at home now. My husband makes that possible and I cannot thank him enough for all his hard work that allows me to do this. I am able to watch my baby grow and try make up for missed time with my eldest.

I am so happy being around babies and kids that I am looking into what it takes to become a doula or midwife. I would love to help Women, become Mothers. Its biggest and best transition that a person can make. It would be so wonderful to help someone else achieve that.

Baby has woken up from her nap. The next best part of my day is starting.

Oil Pulling for Psoriasis

I got the idea to write this because I needdd to do something during my 20 minutes of oil pulling.

Basically I am busy swishing coconut oil in my mouth. It is 7:45am and I have just gotten my almost 4 year old dressed and ready for school. Have fed the baby and she is fast asleep. My eldest is busy eating her  breakfast so I have some time to do this.

It is someting I came across in my quest to deal with my psoriasis. It got so much better when I was pregnant. Then in my last trimester I had a kidney infection that ended with me in hospital on antibiotic drips and then the strongest course of oral antibiotics I have even been on once I got home. I had such a big flare of psoriasis. Most notably on my forehead.

So in my never ending quest to find safe and natural alternatives for treating psoriasis, I came across oil pulling. The idea is to take a tablespoon full of coconut oil, swish it around in your mouth for 20 minutes. You are to do it before your first meal or drink of the day. The oil is thought to draw out impurities and bacteria that could be causing your ailments. I started doing it a while back but with a newborn baby it was hard to remember to do it. Then I was inspired again..

I told my husband about the oil pulling. He decided to try it and after four days he noticed that a sebacious lump on his back had suddenly halved in size. He had tried Roacutane and various other things that had never taken it away. He did not want it cut out as it is sitting right on his spine. Last night he felt it and it was almost gone.

So here I am giving oil pulling a go again. Lets hope I am able to stick to it for a while and lets hope there will be an improvement to my psoriasis. I have put a picture of my forehead on day one so that I can gauge any changes.

Baby Number 2

On the 12th of June 2013, I got pregnant with baby number 2!

We were not trying to conceive but I am super fertile, so I suppose it was just a matter of time. I am so excited to have another baby. I am  22 weeks pregnant at the moment, still do not know if it is a girl or boy.
Would really love to find out but baby has other things in mind. The last two months we have been trying the gender but baby likes to have its little legs crossed.

I have not yet bought any baby things as I do not want to do everything neutral. Eden has her whole room in pink and if its a little boy, I would love to do everything blue. Baby needs lots of colour. I love lots of colour and cant do neutral.

At least my morning sickness is much better now. Had it super rough up until about two weeks ago. I lost over 8kgs in the beginning because I could not keep everything down. I am still getting this "metallic" taste in my mouth. Makes everything tastes terrible but I am kind of used to it now. Just end up brushing my teeth alot.

Have been thinking of some ideas for baby showers. But again, it would help if I knew what little is. Will do a unisex baby shower. We did that with Eden's baby shower. Had my hubby and all family members there. Made it alot more special having everyone and not just having women there. Just a pity that we do not have a bis space to hold in it like last time. Am probably going to have to book a venue or something.

I would love to get a new bed! My back is killing me and its always worse in the morning as soon as I wake up. We went away for the weekend to Umdloti and while I was there, I had the best sleep I have had in my pregnancy and I suspect it was because the mattress was so nice. I had no sore back and did not wake up constantly during the night.

As I am writing this, I have been hit with bad heartburn. I do not like Gaviscon or bicarb and have found the best cure for me is to drink milk. I love drinking milk right now.

Our next doctor appointment is on the 6th of November. Really hoping that we will be able to see what baby is this time and then I can go crazy with the baby shopping.

So far, we have some names in mind.. For a boy we like the names Hunter, Rive or Sylar. For a girl, we like the names Haven, Peyton or Georgia. If its a little girl, then her second name will be Lily because its my other favorite flower. Eden's second name is Jasmine and that is one of favorite flowers. Don't think Hibiscus owuld work as a second name, haha.

1st Wedding Anniversary

On Staurday it was our first Wedding Anniversary!!

This year has had its ups and downs but it has definitely been wonderful. Its scary to think that I have been a married woman for a year already. Sometimes I feel like I am still so young, like a teenager at heart.

Nick and I decided to stick to a R500 present limit for our anniversary. A very good idea if you want to avoid that dreaded gift problem of one buying more than the other. My Husband will always buy me the biggest and best and sometimes I cant do the same or I have a different idea of what kind of gift should be given.

My wonderful husband bought me a stunning cryatl ring from American Swiss (made sure he knew what I wnated because I posted the pic on his facebook page). He bought me the black one. Its a littel bit small so we will be exchanging it this weekend for a bigger one.


I bought him two vouichers for a day of Sandboarding at Mount Mayhem in Benoni. I figured it would be better than buying him clothes or something else he might not like. He loves being outdorrs and trying new things. My younger brother, Andreas, and Nick have skateboarding in common and they are really great friends so Andy will be going with for the Sandboarding. I spoke to a really nice guy and Pure Rush Industries and he sent me the vouchers whihc came up to exactly R500 for the two. I was very pleased with myself for that idea! Here is the link for Pure Rush if you are ever interested in doing the same http://www.purerush.co.za/sboard.htm

We had a wonderful lunch on Staurday at Mo-zam-bik in Randpark Ridge. They reallly have the nicest seafood and their R&R's are brillinat. Thye have wonderful ambience there and

Anxious again

I find myself writing in the late hours of the night when I feel the most alone and anxious.

Its like I want to try get my thoughts down in the event that if something happens to me, those I love will be able to know my thoughts. A bit morbid I know, but it makes me feel better.

I am taking anxiety medication again, along with sleeping tablets. I hate feeling this way, like I cant control my own body's reactions. My heart races and I feel so afraid. I think my husband thinks I am crazy. I keep crying in his arms. I look at him and think, "Oh God, please don't ever let me lose him". I know that pain too well, losing someone you love with all your heart. Your heart breaks into a million pieces. My husband was the the one to help me pick up all those pieces. I am worried that I might be cursed, that the moment I am truly happy it will be taken away from me again. I wont be able to deal with losing Nick one day, I think about Ryan everyday and miss him and that hurts alot (more than anyone will know). But to lose Nick, who I have given my heart to and have had the most beautiful child with, would my undoing. I would not be able to recover from that.

The other thing I keep getting so scared about is the idea of myself passing away. When I am happy, I feel invincible. Then this feeling washes over me, intense fear that I could leave this world at any moment and I don't know what waits for me when that happens. Is there proof of heaven? Do we leave this world with the memory of everything we went through and those we love? Are we able to "live" through them and watch over them? Or does the light just go off as if it all just never happened? That is the thought that scares me the most. Just thinking of it now, makes me cry. I love my child, husband and family so much that the idea of losing someone just makes me cry because I know how real that feeling is.

My husband has been understanding about my fear. But his feeling of death is that he feels that he will go onto a better place. But I cant believe that without proof. My mother-in-law gave me a Sylvia Brown book about life after death. It seemed so good to believe but then of course I had to find out more. There is so much that shows she could just be a fake. Do I believe her? Do I go on believing that the Tarot reader who cried because she felt Ryan's presence and the pain of what we had gone through together was right? That he is watching me and protecting me and that when we all die we go to the place that he is in? Or do I go with the worry and smallest doubt in my mind that someone had told her about me before I saw her, that they wanted me to be comforted?

This is all so complicated. As much as I know I should not worry, I cant help it. I have so much in this world to live for. I want to watch my daughter grow up, I want to have more beautiful children with my wonderful Husband, I want to watch them all have their own kids. But that niggle I have had ever since I was a little girl    crying in the garden under the weeping mulberry tree in my Dad's garden, cause I had "seen" my life ending around the age where I am now is always on my mind. Will I be the one to have predicted my own fate all those years ago? It scared me then and its scaring me now, how fragile life is and that I might not be allowed to live it as much I would like to.

Today, my husband was talking to me in a restaurant and I cant recall what he said because I was so wrapped up in my own head. He got my attention when he asked me why it looked like I had just had my  heart broken. That look seems to be noticeable to him, quite often at the moment. I wish it wasn't  I wish he didn't feel like he cant do anything about me feeling this way. I hope this is all just me being crazy. I hope that all the chest pains are just anxiety. I hope to never have cancer or anything else that could take my life at this age. I hope with all my heart that I never again have to go through the nightmare I went through when Ryan and I were hijacked. I hope that nothing every happens to my wonderful child. I have already told my husband that if that unimaginable thing had to happen to us, I would not be able to carry on at all.

Before I had my child and found Nick, I was so tired of the pain that I often found myself wishing that they had shot me that night too. That would have been the "right" time to go, I was perfectly happy and could not have hoped for more. But I didn't get shot, I had to carry on and be strong after Ryan died but I kept cracking and not doing too well. Nick came along and fixed that. Now, even though I carry that pain with me, I wish for nothing more than to live a long and happy life with Nick and our daughter.

I keep listening to Ellie Goulding's "Explosions" at the moment, it seems to fit my mood the last few days. Its like it was written for me.

Haunted by the Idea of Death

Death is something that I am reminded of each day.I do not choose to think about death, but it always crops up into my mind at one point of the day or another. It is haunting me and I feel so anxious.

I have seen horrible things, nothing more horrible than experiencing someone you care deeply about, get severely injured. That injury caused suffering for months and an eventual death. A memory which is forever etched into my head. Every detail of the incident and the end result. The way his face looked when he lay in the casket, the way his face was distorted after they had extracted all the bullet and tried to put it back together again. A face I see before me when I least expect it, I have seen death.

In all this time of wishing for signs that there is "life" after death, I have not experienced anything concrete. It makes me think that there is nothing after we die. I am petrified of that idea. I have a husband and child who I love with all my heart and I cant bare to think of losing one of them or them losing me.

I hate the news, every horrific death makes me even more frightened. How can innocent people, and most of all children be made to suffer so much pain. What is happening to this world that disgusting things happen and people are taken before their time. It makes me feel that there is no safety in being a good person. Good people die too, often its the good ones that are taken from us for unexplainable reasons.

I am scared that I get ill and suffer horribly for no reason. I am scared that every little pain or illness is a sign of cancer or something worse.

I feel this because I have so much to live for and the thought of being taken away from it frightens me. I keep having these moments where it dawns on me that I WILL DIE one day. I don't want to die, I don't want anyone I love to die. Its the realisation that everyone dies one day  and that there is nothing to stop it from being painful or a horrific death.

I hope and pray that when my time and my loved one's time comes, it will be peaceful and we would have all lived long and happy lives. I know that if anything had to happen to my child and husband, I would not think twice about "leaving" to join them. I love them so much and to lose the two people I love the most in this world would be the one thing that I would not be strong enough for.

I hope its not possible to be cursed. A couple of people have said to me that they cannot believe all the bad stuff that I have gone through and witnessed. I often become so scared that me loving my husband and daughter as much as I do, will mean something will happen. All the bad things that have happened, have been because I have loved and that love was taken away by what I always though was the Universe saying I don't deserve to be happy or loved..

My love of my childhood and innocence, taken away in one night by someone who thought only of their own gratification. My love of my home and sanctuary of the beach, taken away because two people could not love each other anymore and used children as weapons. My first real love, brutally injured and taken away from me because barbarians decided it would be "fun" to hurt us.

Do you think that there is a limit to the amount of bad stuff that one person can go through? I fucking hope so.   I hope my limit was reached in 2008. I hope I never have to suffer in that or see another person I love suffer or die.

I have written this because of the worry of that actually happening. I know I should not worry and should not attract that negative energy to me, but its hard to switch off the nightmares and bad memories sometimes. In any case, who knows if I might die tomorrow or in 60 years. I just really don't want it to be tomorrow.

If I die one day, play this song at my funeral..

Dead Man's Bones - Name in Stone

Xoxoxo