The first thoughts always start off with "what is that ache in my chest, why does it feel like I have been punched?". Then I notice that I have been biting my nails again, even though I have been trying to grow them for weeks. It hurts so much to even touch anything because some nails have been bitten down so far. I get the headaches, the feeling that its very hard to try crack a smile.
I am moody and feel like things are non-negotiable except for the things I tell myself. One moment I feel great and the next I feel so angry with myself. I feel like I am not worth much and that its my fault the world seems to be crashing down around me. The moods effect those that I actually do want around me, but it pushes them away. I find comfort in being alonewith my thoughts but sad because I feel alone. One aswer that I did not want, and I react with a mood whihc then causes fighting whihc then causes the self loathing and thoughts like "I am this messed up that I cant even be good enough for those who are around me?. Why does no one understand that I am feeling alone? Does no one else think that all these things are stressful?"
For a while I was feeling good, havent been on any medication for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) since 2009. I have tried to stay strong and deal with all the issues surrounding me. I have come out of it all okay, considering there have been a few situations that have triggered the PTSD. But I did the therapy and did the relaxation exercises. But now it feels like something different. Like the PTSD but not as bad, but somehow just it is just as bad. Its anxiety again.
I am pretty sure I have a heart condition, I keep telling myself this because why else would my chest feel so sore and why else would my heart be POUNDING like this the whole time. I am pretty sure that the fact that my neck and shoulders feel so tight is because I have slept funny, even though its all been sore and stiff for over a week now. I am not aware of my surroundings, I am bumping into things that I normally would make sure to avoid. Tonight I walked straight into the tow bar of my car and hit my shin so hard, it took my breath away. My eating patterns are changing - I feel like I have to eat healthy and that I must lose weight, sometimes its easier just not eating as much as I should and then when I get hungry enough I will eat something bad.
I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that everything has been turned upside down for us by other people. Obviously I shouldnt blame someone else but when that other person makes decision that leaves you having to suddenly having search for another place to live; you cant find anything that is affordable because you live in an expensive town where you pay for safety; your spouse is being put in a situation where he needs to somehow start something from scratch even though you have witnessed him being promised things that would have made his life and work easier; you dont know how much mopney your spouse will be able to make when he is getting his life back together and if it will be enough for us to make ends meet or even just have a place to stay; your too embarressed to even think of asking your family for help because they are currenly going thorugh divorces and their own issues; you currently live somewhere where the atmosphere is misearable and you dread being there; you dread having your child be around people that irresponsibly drink and are just not the right people to have around; there is no concern for safety and gates are left open for anyone to enter from the road; you need fix your car but have no money; you have flashbacks at night when your trying to sleep buut cant - flashbacks of a loved one being shot in the head; I too think you would be anxious if this what you had to deal with on a daily basis
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