Death is something that I am reminded of each day.I do not choose to think about death, but it always crops up into my mind at one point of the day or another. It is haunting me and I feel so anxious.
I have seen horrible things, nothing more horrible than experiencing someone you care deeply about, get severely injured. That injury caused suffering for months and an eventual death. A memory which is forever etched into my head. Every detail of the incident and the end result. The way his face looked when he lay in the casket, the way his face was distorted after they had extracted all the bullet and tried to put it back together again. A face I see before me when I least expect it, I have seen death.
In all this time of wishing for signs that there is "life" after death, I have not experienced anything concrete. It makes me think that there is nothing after we die. I am petrified of that idea. I have a husband and child who I love with all my heart and I cant bare to think of losing one of them or them losing me.
I hate the news, every horrific death makes me even more frightened. How can innocent people, and most of all children be made to suffer so much pain. What is happening to this world that disgusting things happen and people are taken before their time. It makes me feel that there is no safety in being a good person. Good people die too, often its the good ones that are taken from us for unexplainable reasons.
I am scared that I get ill and suffer horribly for no reason. I am scared that every little pain or illness is a sign of cancer or something worse.
I feel this because I have so much to live for and the thought of being taken away from it frightens me. I keep having these moments where it dawns on me that I WILL DIE one day. I don't want to die, I don't want anyone I love to die. Its the realisation that everyone dies one day and that there is nothing to stop it from being painful or a horrific death.
I hope and pray that when my time and my loved one's time comes, it will be peaceful and we would have all lived long and happy lives. I know that if anything had to happen to my child and husband, I would not think twice about "leaving" to join them. I love them so much and to lose the two people I love the most in this world would be the one thing that I would not be strong enough for.
I hope its not possible to be cursed. A couple of people have said to me that they cannot believe all the bad stuff that I have gone through and witnessed. I often become so scared that me loving my husband and daughter as much as I do, will mean something will happen. All the bad things that have happened, have been because I have loved and that love was taken away by what I always though was the Universe saying I don't deserve to be happy or loved..
My love of my childhood and innocence, taken away in one night by someone who thought only of their own gratification. My love of my home and sanctuary of the beach, taken away because two people could not love each other anymore and used children as weapons. My first real love, brutally injured and taken away from me because barbarians decided it would be "fun" to hurt us.
Do you think that there is a limit to the amount of bad stuff that one person can go through? I fucking hope so. I hope my limit was reached in 2008. I hope I never have to suffer in that or see another person I love suffer or die.
I have written this because of the worry of that actually happening. I know I should not worry and should not attract that negative energy to me, but its hard to switch off the nightmares and bad memories sometimes. In any case, who knows if I might die tomorrow or in 60 years. I just really don't want it to be tomorrow.
If I die one day, play this song at my funeral..
Dead Man's Bones - Name in Stone
Xoxoxo
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