I find myself writing in the late hours of the night when I feel the most alone and anxious.
Its like I want to try get my thoughts down in the event that if something happens to me, those I love will be able to know my thoughts. A bit morbid I know, but it makes me feel better.
I am taking anxiety medication again, along with sleeping tablets. I hate feeling this way, like I cant control my own body's reactions. My heart races and I feel so afraid. I think my husband thinks I am crazy. I keep crying in his arms. I look at him and think, "Oh God, please don't ever let me lose him". I know that pain too well, losing someone you love with all your heart. Your heart breaks into a million pieces. My husband was the the one to help me pick up all those pieces. I am worried that I might be cursed, that the moment I am truly happy it will be taken away from me again. I wont be able to deal with losing Nick one day, I think about Ryan everyday and miss him and that hurts alot (more than anyone will know). But to lose Nick, who I have given my heart to and have had the most beautiful child with, would my undoing. I would not be able to recover from that.
The other thing I keep getting so scared about is the idea of myself passing away. When I am happy, I feel invincible. Then this feeling washes over me, intense fear that I could leave this world at any moment and I don't know what waits for me when that happens. Is there proof of heaven? Do we leave this world with the memory of everything we went through and those we love? Are we able to "live" through them and watch over them? Or does the light just go off as if it all just never happened? That is the thought that scares me the most. Just thinking of it now, makes me cry. I love my child, husband and family so much that the idea of losing someone just makes me cry because I know how real that feeling is.
My husband has been understanding about my fear. But his feeling of death is that he feels that he will go onto a better place. But I cant believe that without proof. My mother-in-law gave me a Sylvia Brown book about life after death. It seemed so good to believe but then of course I had to find out more. There is so much that shows she could just be a fake. Do I believe her? Do I go on believing that the Tarot reader who cried because she felt Ryan's presence and the pain of what we had gone through together was right? That he is watching me and protecting me and that when we all die we go to the place that he is in? Or do I go with the worry and smallest doubt in my mind that someone had told her about me before I saw her, that they wanted me to be comforted?
This is all so complicated. As much as I know I should not worry, I cant help it. I have so much in this world to live for. I want to watch my daughter grow up, I want to have more beautiful children with my wonderful Husband, I want to watch them all have their own kids. But that niggle I have had ever since I was a little girl crying in the garden under the weeping mulberry tree in my Dad's garden, cause I had "seen" my life ending around the age where I am now is always on my mind. Will I be the one to have predicted my own fate all those years ago? It scared me then and its scaring me now, how fragile life is and that I might not be allowed to live it as much I would like to.
Today, my husband was talking to me in a restaurant and I cant recall what he said because I was so wrapped up in my own head. He got my attention when he asked me why it looked like I had just had my heart broken. That look seems to be noticeable to him, quite often at the moment. I wish it wasn't I wish he didn't feel like he cant do anything about me feeling this way. I hope this is all just me being crazy. I hope that all the chest pains are just anxiety. I hope to never have cancer or anything else that could take my life at this age. I hope with all my heart that I never again have to go through the nightmare I went through when Ryan and I were hijacked. I hope that nothing every happens to my wonderful child. I have already told my husband that if that unimaginable thing had to happen to us, I would not be able to carry on at all.
Before I had my child and found Nick, I was so tired of the pain that I often found myself wishing that they had shot me that night too. That would have been the "right" time to go, I was perfectly happy and could not have hoped for more. But I didn't get shot, I had to carry on and be strong after Ryan died but I kept cracking and not doing too well. Nick came along and fixed that. Now, even though I carry that pain with me, I wish for nothing more than to live a long and happy life with Nick and our daughter.
I keep listening to Ellie Goulding's "Explosions" at the moment, it seems to fit my mood the last few days. Its like it was written for me.
